The Black,White and Greys of Alif Ali

I haven’t had time to blog. Seriously, or I was just too busy, well – living. A couple of hiccups along the way, but many, many, many ecstatic moments. So I am not complaining.

After 26 yrs breathing and living, and experiencing, one would think that we walk about with  a bit more maturity compared to before. Maybe, maybe not – plus who’s asking? Looking around, there’s always the urge to imitate other people’s lifestyle, personality – ah well, I don’t know. Even silly things like the way people laugh, the way they stress their point. We always set the bar for everything based on everything. So when is life truly, freely ours when we’re too busy minding other people’s business to figure out how to live?

Out of desperation to find happiness, we always play safe and walk along the path that we’re already familiar with. Even with the thorns, the pain is nothing – cause at least it’s safe, yes? Cause others have walked the path before. Do we dare venture out by ourselves? Probably not. Because why? I don’t know – the neighbors might talk, friends might taunt us, a million other reasons apart from, I just don’t hv the balls to do it.

Why are we afraid to live when we know we only get one shot at this? Rightly, or not – we’re not going to be given the chance once. So we lose face a little when we make those dreaded mistakes. And so bloody what? The sun still shines, and if all goes well, we’ll still eat our bread at the end of the day.

So I tell myself – live. Live freely, live passionately. Just live.

Hope. Courage. Humor. Faith

A new year swings by again – and I feel, above everything else – contented. I don’t know whether it’s because I’m not that young anymore, or there has been no new developments lately, or because I’ve basically accepted that life is what happens when you’re so busy planning (or not).

So the weekend was quiet, and it brought back some calm into my life, the way I like it. Things just take on a new positive spin once you’ve decided not to plan anything. Finished a couple of books and about 5-6 magazines, and found the recipe to the perfect home-made latte (foam, people, foam!). Got  a lot of fresh ideas streaming in, and a got a lot done on the personal check list. Called a couple of forgotten people, and then some. All in all a perfect non-planned perfect weekend.

Hope. I plan to hope a little bit more this year. By my personal definition is for something good to materialize, no matter what it is. Hope is what you do every other second when life is both planned and unplanned, and I foresee a mix of both for the coming year. I hope to travel to more places, do  a little bit more for others and achieve at least 2-3 new things this year. Last year’s wishes – are this year’s apologies, so hope that I no longer sweat the small stuff (i.e. have to HAVE that shirt! or fussing on the scale again..). Hope again, so I try to say to myself is what you do AFTER you’ve done the hard work. Not before.

Courage. Being a quarter of a century old, courage is like a godfather. When things get tough it just pushes you to plod on and finish whatever it is that you’re doing. Courage is the personal trainer whom won’t allow you to cheat on your squats and lunges. Courage is maturity and self-acceptance. Courage is what I need to be the best of myself for me and for others. Courage, and again, I try to tell myself – should come with wisdom. To pick the right battles and prepare for them.

Humor. When all is lost and failure strikes, nothing helps more than humor. A good laugh can turn a hellish day better. Humor brings on the warmth and reminds us to be human. I plan to laugh a helluva lot more this  year, for a good reason or a bad one. I plan to humor myself a bit more, listen to what I really want to do – and then go try it.

Faith. I plan to get connected to my spiritual self – to re-learn what I really need to do and why I need to do it. Faith to me is about letting-go, and believing in destiny. Faith is trusting that there is good in a lot of people, and sometimes, you just have to strip the superficiality within yourself to see it. 

So yeah, Al Pacino’s friend was a little bit more, I’d say aggressive than mind. But no doubt, my little friends are gonna kick-ass too.

So I read an article today about the law of attraction (or so it says). Now I a just an addict when it comes to information like this. Do I use it? Probably not, Do I quote it in conversations? Probably. Do I laugh and make fun at it? All the time.

It reminded us ladies to act like ladies – okay no brainer.

Open up to possibilities – okay, again another no brainer.

Scrap the Perfect male checklist – now, that’s new. I like lists and have had them for the longest time.

Show vulnerability – phoaaa! Now THAT I have a problem with.

Honestly. We have to be told to SHOW that? And they think it’s as easy as eating cheesecake? HELLO? Of course it’s not bloody easy, if it was all of us would probably be walking around doe-eyed, looking like we need a sip from your cup of water as if it was the only thing that would keep us alive. No, it really is not easy for some people (err, yours truly included).

Now I think the smart ones could’ve probably figured out that underneath the boxing gloves, mean stare and aloofness – we’re all just plain girly girls whom cry when we’re sad. All of us are. The meaner we look, the more we need the strong arms of a strong male to help us make it all better. It’s a secret tried and tested. Boys, try it and you’ll see what I mean. However like the article said, we gals are too busy trying to be as strong. To show ‘em boys we have nice biceps too. To show ‘em we make our own dough and shall do whatever we want with it. Now put all that aside, the more intelligent ones rush to switch to the damsel in distress mode when a potential suitor moves in. Darn those women.

So switching it on is really not easy for the rest of us. Especially when we’ve put our guards up for so long – we cant even remember what being vulnerable feels like. I remember though, that the best partners were the ones whom really do go out of their way to make it better for us. They flex their muscles to carry our shopping bags, or cook us chicken soup when we’re not well, rush to ask “what’s wrong” when we start curling our lips. It’s mind-boggling. We, gals, ARE expected to do it because the blokes out there love doing it. So alright, doesn’t sound too bad. Let’s try this out.

Now, how does a sulk look like again??

Charm and grace with a hint of being flirty.

I say it’s all bull. Especially yesterday when I was in my oversized basketball shorts and ragged tee-shirt in my taekwondo class. I am glad to see that the modern aged women are moving away from the classic case of being too ladylike (a term I use when I see 6 inch stilettos with a overpriced frou-frou frock). The beauties of the modern age nowadays are more aggressive, confident and stand-out without having to expose too much skin (ah well, maybe not entirely true). But yeap, if you look in the papers, you see future beauty queens taking up law, kickboxing and extreme sports – and they’re not afraid to tell the world that they are. Now that’s what I think little girls everywhere should relate too.

Now I know some of us choose to obsess about pink, lace and manicures. Some of us are probably born princesses. Nothing wrong with that. But I do think for the sake of tomorrow (and hopefully, my future daughters and granddaughters) there’s another image that they can look up to. The “in-between”, neither too girly, nor too masculine. Just right, with a pinch of individuality.

Though I still have Marilyn on my wall, I also have a impressionist painting of a pregnant woman with a skull on her lap (morbid, fine – but it’s a classy piece nevertheless, at least to me) – to remind me of staying true to yourself and have balance. To still change, and accept that change is good.

I had joined a martial arts center recently and tried and tested these 4  things.

1)      To succeed you must fall

2)      it is not easy to fall

3)      the fall will be excruciatingly painful at times

4)      You do become stronger when you recover

The first thing that was thought in Aikido class was to be comfortable with the mat – translation: love the mat so that when you fall down it doesn’t hurt as much. I had a really tough time trying to do that. Tumble or roll or whatever that they call it – to me it was about being able to fall down and come back up – FAST. The younger students in class of course had no trouble doing it. I mean, they were tumbling and falling down and hitting the mat like nobody’s business.  And there I was delaying my fall since I didn’t think bruising was the next “in” thing. But I did it eventually after the class Master came over and gave me “the smile”. So yes, I did it. The first time was the hardest – after that, it was still difficult. I mean the first couple of times I did it, a 5 yr old beat me up (ok, exaggerating), and I banged my head on the floor (not exaggerating). But overall – it wasn’t too bad. 

And in many of the classes (taekwondo, capoeira, aikido) the warm-ups are down-right TERUK. As in military, no mercy style. You do kangaroo hops, frog jumps, duck squats (so ok, I really don’t know what they’re called, but I know it sets your butt and thighs on fire).  After the first class (thanks to taekwondo and abs, one after the other) I couldn’t even walk properly. And I nearly thought that it was a mistake – signing up. Now, well – I still can’t walk properly, but it’s less intense.

It’s too early to tell, but I think the legs and arms are much stronger now. And the best thing is, you don’t feel like you are working out. To me, it’s more about completing the class with all body parts intact and food staying IN the tummy. Maybe it’s the sense of being competitive, maybe it’s just plain fun because it’s so new.

The thing about martial arts – it forces you to own up to your strengths – or at least test them to see where your limits are. Some of us have done it, maybe when we were younger and either had good or bad experiences. When we’re older, and we try it out again, we try to muster all the courage, naivety and boldness that we had when we were young to help us out to survive the classes.

I do plan to stick with it for at least a while and see where it takes me. At a quarter of century old, acing this one means a helluva lot more compared to before.

Aptly put!

A director decribed Cameron Diaz as such..haha, and I thought the creativity ends at directing. Anyways, let’s talk about the epitome of the guy’s gal – girls envy her but want to kill her at the same time. Boys drink beer with her, but want to marry her at the same time. Do such women exist? Apparently.

I had a thought, if we hv painted our prince charming to have incredible pecs and looks, street smart and ivy league intelligence, suave charmer and romantic dancer – obviously the boys have created something similar. The unachievable dream, the ultimate hope.

So what is it? Subtle charm? Humor? Natural beauty? Long legs with jeans? What is it? Now we’re not talking about the classic bikini model, we’re talking about Tyra, beauty with brains and whom doesn’t mind a courtside seat at a basketball game. I saw someone in the elevator today. No make-up, tomboyish, glasses, short pixie hair - and guess what – Preggers! I thought it was a cute sight – and immediately thought to myself, now that’s one lucky gal whom I will not kill.

Well, after all said and done – nope, I’m okay with the way I am. Plain adoration. Cupid would have too easy of a time if all of us are alike, ey?

I’m impatient and slowing down kills me.

There’s this one thing that I need to complete, and it’s bothering me like crazy that I need to go through hundreds of steps to complete it. Details are for monkeys – I really don’t need to go through it.

Yeah right.

So, the classic personality clash: attention to details vs big picture. When you don’t have both, which skill do you sharpen first and why? I am just plain BAD at add maths (okay, silly example, but am going to use it anyways). I remember the days when I nodded my head in agreement, understanding what it all meant and what we are learning it for (okay, so who cares about the graphs and the shapes – but could still take it). When it comes to physically calculating stuff, I could do it too – I just got the numbers wrong. And I swore, I thought my calculator was haunted. And so the saga continues until today. Give me a problem and I’ll break my back trying to give you solutions. But, if it involves me going somewhere to line up and get a ticket and check the number as well as figure out where you are seated – then I’m done. Same thing with filling up forms, recalculating numbers, exacting decimal points – crap, it all means jack to me. HOWEVER, I think when it comes to figuring out how many different ways we can go about solving a problem – I’m ur honey.

So where does it lead me? Well, in times of crisis, I’ll be the cool one stepping back and figuring out whether we will get burnt or we are already toast while someone else rushes for the calculator figuring out the numerical impact. And yeap, I don’t get excited reading drafts more than once either. I took a test a couple of years back and it said at the time I’m just rushing to get things to materialize, and I remembered taking the stupid test some time after that and it concluded that I was entering the next phase of my life – slowing down.

Mana ada. Really. The same ol’ problems when it comes to details.

Well, can’t think of a solution yet. Again, too detail-lah!

So what is accepted and what is not accepted? And why? Who said so and why do we care? The next generation has been called so many names, rude among them. As we don’t normally conform and we always do as we like - or so they say. When we do as we please, we’re labeled ungrateful and selfish. When we don’t conform, we are at fault. I’m no Avril, but rules are sometimes, to me – meant to be challenged (mind you, not broken, but challenged). I’ve lived a relatively ‘sedated’ life – apart from the short episodes of wildness, I’m okay with following the norm. As a first born, we’re okay with nodding our heads and do as we’re told (or again, so they say). Though this is true is some areas of my life, I can’t say the same about the rest. And yes, I’ve broken some rules (relationships, personal safety) out of curiosity. Of course, when I did it – it all seem to be okay, hey as the saying goes – let’s trip and fall, battle scars are cool (okay, so I did make that one up). And then I found out that certain things in life do have rules, and though they are meant to be challenged, there’s still a price to be paid if they are broken. For example, girl likes boy and goes after him and risks getting rejected. At what price? The broken heart. Any good coming out of it? Yeap, the girl learns. Another example. Wanting something at work, but too shy to ask for it. At what price? Clocking long hours, believing that hardwork is everything. Any good coming out of it? Yeap, resilience. Nothing’s right and nothing’s wrong. It’s a matter or perception and grasping reality. If we learn anything from anything at all – count ourselves lucky. But for some people like me, we’ll make a couple of blunders (yeap, the same ones) before realizing there are better ways to do things – and sometimes, it does mean going through the traditional route. So now I am challenging myself to do things differently. I’m gonna put that cowboy hat aside for a while and try putting on some safety gloves. But I know for sure that when the time comes for me to put the hat back on and take the gloves off – it will be worth the risk.

Watched the Hallmark premier of “Starter Wife” – am already in love with it. Why? Well, same theme – the struggle and success from picking yourself up after the big fall.

That, and some changes that has happened in my life of late had got me thinking. What if the hours that we are spending now, are actually hours of our starter life? Different context from the show, but the gist of it all – what if the days now are days when we practice to “live well”? Actually, it is – and we all know it. It’s just that the routine of everyday living (i.e. wake up, go to work, meet up with friends, go home, wait for the weekend, repeat all of the steps mentioned…) makes us forget that what we do (or don’t do), think, react and say now can actually become habits that will make or break us in the future.

Okay, for instance – I admit, that I’m not the easiest person to wake up in the morning, so yeah, while I try as hard as I can to make it on time at work, I will be rather late – not that late, but late. I do work my b*** off – and that’s how I justify for coming in late in the morning. Have lived with thinking like that for a couple of years now – no complains, life at work has been swell – but no – it’s not the best habit ever, and if I don’t break the habit now – it’s never going to happen. And what if it becomes worse? What if the delay can cause a catastrophe? I don’t wanna think about it – cause bills need to be paid. Really.

So yes – think back and we can find at least 10 things that we want to do better. Be it in relationships, at work, personal habits etc – we all have some sorta flaw, and yeap, as the younger generation – sometimes our sacred motto “ Just do it” – probably isn’t the best motto to live by all the time. Law of attraction says – like attracts like. If we want to attract good, we have to be good. Can’t ask to live till a hundred and play with our grandchildren, when we can’t even commit to a 10 minute run per day. Can’t ask for a demure hottie who studies at Harvard, if we’re not a

Oxford

ballerina cum part time model. Okay, well – not the best example ever, but close. We can’t dream of having it all when we have sacrificed none.

It is going to be tough, bad habits die hard. The phone calls that I rarely answer (just because I have a thing for not answering my phone), the praises left unsaid, going through the refrigerator late at night, spending every little penny of the hard earned monthly pay, the fear of making mistakes – the list can be so long, you wonder why people still talk to you.

But, I’m still gonna give myself a pat on the back first – we have to admit, we have done SOME amount of good before. Before taking the plunge towards better habits – let us all clap. Hurrah. Yeap, really.

It has been a good day. One of the most fulfilling, heartfelt raya. Nothing unusual, nothing usual. But I was glad I hv lived through this day.

Aidilfitri, besides the fact that it’s a day of celebration – which should be done in moderation is a day full of love, compassion and humility. Visiting the living, and dead – the young and old makes us realize what we are here for, and what our tasks are.

We are the young, and we are the seniors. We serve and be served. We give and receive. We forgive and hopefully be forgiven. We are, above everything humanly human – we are the same, with all our flaws and strengths. Aidilfitri is a good day for self reflection.

As a daughter, I am reminded of how young I am and how I still search for the hand to guide me though the insane and confusing times. I am at a stage in my life where this unsettling feeling will come and visit every now and then. I feel proud of my accomplishments, yet am afraid if it will be the end of it. I wince thinking about my mistakes, but thankful that I have made them. Above everything, when I hug mom and dad and seek their forgiveness on the morning of Aidilfitri, and am still given the raya ang-pau, the heart returns home – I am rest assured knowing that I can trip and fall, rise and fly – and the folks will be there.

As the oldest cousin I am reminded of the fact that I am indeed, a grown up. When the little ones line up to get their ang-pau from me, I am humbled by the thought that “cari makan” is not about supporting myself, but to make some of the little dreams come true for the little ones. It might mean nothing, but I feel content knowing that I am blessed to be part of their Raya memory. There’s something about giving that fuels the urge to work harder, to be able to give more. And truly, by giving – we live.

As a relative, I am reminded of the fact that things need to be done for a reason. Visiting the elderly, masak at the last minute, non-stop buat air, and topping up the kuih raya – all of it, until at the end of the day you can no longer feel your legs and your back hurts like mad. I’ve realized that we don’t do it for the guests but we do it for ourselves. We do it so that we feel like we belong. We feel proud to serve, because it means we have been blessed with sufficient resources to do so.

So yes – I look forward to many,many more days like these. May I constantly be reminded that it’s a day to live through the joy of others.

To all, my humblest and most sincere apologies. Happy Eid to everyone J